June 24th, 2008
Dear Friends,
I (Shanie) just wanted to write you and give you an update and ask for your continued prayers.
First of all I want to ask you to be praying for our family. CammiAnn is really sick with a flu, throwing up, fever and extreme pain. We are concerned that Peter doesn’t get it…obviously none of us want it, but I really don’t want him to get it as it will weaken his immune system and that would really not be good.
Please pray for our girls and CammiAnn in particular. The other day Peter had a bit of a melt down. I thought that someone had died and went running into our room where he was screaming from the top of his lungs “Make it stop! Make it stop, God! I can’t take it any more!” When I realized what was happening I went to find the girls as I knew it had scared them. (I had been waiting for and expecting this to happen. He needed to get it out and it was actually a good thing). CammiAnn was especially shaken and, together with Amanda, we talked about the fact that Daddy needed to get it out and that it was better he cry out to God than keep it inside and become frustrated and angry. CammiAnn then told me that she has been having dreams about her daddy dying. She says that she doesn’t feel afraid that he will die, but she asked me if dreams can show you what’s happening deep down. We have had some good talks, including talking about what would happen IF daddy dies. What we will do practically as a family, funeral arrangements, life without him. It has actually been very good and has removed much of the “unknown”. We do not believe that he will die, but at the same time we recognize that the possibility is there. It was very good for CammiAnn to be able to talk about these things as she has not wanted to until now. In some ways looking death in the face has taken the sting away in spite of how unpleasant it is to begin to talk about. It seems to have given her a sense of peace to have gotten it all out in the open. Please pray that she will be able to work through her feelings and fears and that she will know the presence and peace of God through it all.
Last night was a fairly good night for Peter (thankfully since I had to be with Cammi all night long), but for the most part the itching has been getting worse (hence the meltdown I referred to in the previous paragraph). The last couple weeks each night has been getting worse and worse and the last 4 or 5 nights, apart from last night, we have not slept more than an hour total each night. It has caused Peter to come to such a place of desperation that sometimes in the early hours of the morning he is so miserable that he seriously begs God to take his life so that the misery will end. Of course when morning comes he doesn’t want to die and it’s not long periods of time that he feels that way, but in those moments he is so desperate and so miserable and the end seems so far away that hope just leaves him. I try to comfort him and soothe his pain, but I feel very helpless. At the same time we see God working in it and through it and we know that there is hope and most of the time, in spite of the discomfort, we are full of faith and hope, but those dark hours between 3 and 5 are super difficult. God has been giving us some deep revelations about what it means to be a living sacrifice and going through the refiner’s fire and it has been encouraging and challenging. We want to learn perseverance. Please pray that the revelation will become ingrained in our hearts and that we would grasp the depth and the significance of what God is doing through these dark hours of suffering. We want what the enemy intends for evil to be turned to so much good that he will be deeply disturbed by the fact that he ever even tried to bring us down!
The itching has changed, or I should say has begun to vary more, from a feeling of having hay or bugs all over his body, to being poked with needles everywhere to a burning sensation. He has deep gouges in his skin from scratching and they are also extremely painful. We are continuously working to keep them from becoming infected. He counted over 100 small sores on his lower legs the other day.
Please pray for me as I have not slept for several nights (worse than “normal”) and I am feeling very exhausted and worn down. I need strength and grace! Many people ask me if I sleep somewhere else some times in order to get some rest and I do sometimes move to the couch, but even then I find myself awake and unable to sleep because I know that Peter is miserable. I feel terrible leaving him in his misery, but I also know that I am no help to him if I don’t get rest. I feel like I am walking around in a cloud most of the time from being so tired, but I really need God’s help to be able to rest. It seems that no matter what I do my mind just doesn’t shut off even when I have the opportunity to sleep. I realize that this is something I need to learn to do. I need to be able to put Peter in God’s hands in those hours and rest and not feel like I am responsible for his well being. I can’t be his savior, only Jesus can and I need to let go of the “savior mentality” and only do what is mine to do. Up until now I have had an abundance of grace, but I feel like the grace has “lifted” in a sense. Not because God doesn’t want to help me through but specifically BECAUSE I need to let God take over and not feel like I have to meet Peter’s every need. In actual fact it is His grace that is allowing me to come to this realization. Pray that I will be able to walk out in reality what I know in my head!
A highlight for us is that we have a new doctor and she has suggested that I learn to do the IVs so that Peter can get them twice a week and we won’t have to travel far every time to get them. I got trained yesterday and we are SO happy about this development as we have asked that I be able to do this from the very beginning but were told that it wasn’t possible. Please pray that God will give me the ability to get the needle into his veins on the first try and that it will all go smoothly for both of us. Our doctor had lots of problems doing his IVs and sometimes he got poked 20 times before she could get it in! I need God’s hand on mine!
Also the new doctor is modifying his treatment plan and adding more food to his diet. He was losing so much weight that it was no longer healthy for him. We are SO happy about that! Obviously the first thing we did was go shopping and stock up on all the things he is now allowed to eat! To most people his diet is still very restricted but for him he just got a new lease on life!!!
This week Peter will be tested to find out if his cancer count has increased or decreased. It takes about 2 to 3 weeks to get the results. Amanda is also being tested as she has had some issues (lifelong, that are large contributors to cancer) and our doctor (and we) want to rule out the possibility of cancer while at the same time working to correct the issues. Pray that she will have peace through the wait. It is the same test and will take the same amount of time. We are not worried, but we want to be wise and rule it out rather than ignore it.
Peter’s 40th birthday is on Sunday (June 29th). Would you pray that he would receive a special touch from God that day and especially good nights sleep both Saturday AND Sunday?!
Thanks for standing with us!
Blessings,
Shanie